Ask HN: How to build relationships in an internationally remote org?
I started a new job as a Software Engineering Manager at a remote startup ~6 months ago. My direct reports, peers, and manager are globally distributed and I am really struggling (perhaps failing) to develop strong relationships with anyone in the organization.
I've never had trouble establishing relationships in the past and have always had a few "allies" up and down the org by this point. Based on feedback in all-hands, etc. I don't think that my situation is unique in the org.
While this is disconcerting to me on its own, the part I struggle with the most is that I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about the daily challenges that my team and I face.
I can lean on my extended network to a point, but what I would really like is a dedicator mentor that I could discuss specific problems with, above and beyond what I could reasonably ask of a friend. Has anyone had success establishing this type of relationship? If so, how? Alternatively, is anyone else facing this type of problem in a globally distributed company? How are you managing it?
The best way I find is to actually work closely with people. Pair on something. Or work through an incident together. Honestly even in person many of the less-than-superficial bonds are from working on something or going through something together.
Great call @softwaredoug. It's a little challenging across timezones/languages/cultures, but definitely need to leverage this more.
Go and visit people.
Set up dedicated 1:1 times with everyone, don't rely on serendipitous chances to connect.
If you spend some time building a relationship in person, you can keep it going remotely. It's a lot harder to build a deep relationship remotely.
Violent agreement on the 1:1 point. The hard part is, making it natural as it would be in a face-to-face setting, and I think for remote the frequency has to be much higher than if you saw someone f2f.
The important thing to think about is to make is as non-transactional as possible. Start with open and personal questions like, "How are you doing today?" and do as much listening, if not more, than you do talking. Focus on developing rapport with people, develop curiosity about their situation and circumstances as you can. Example, one of your colleagues is from Europe, ask them about how things have been for them there, where do they spend time when they can get away, etc.
On the transactional part, I think you need to be very careful in that it seems like you want to get something out of these relationships you hope to build. Flip it around -- on every 1:1 ask them, "How can I help you?" (regardless it it's a person who is a peer, someone who reports to you, or someone above you). I firmly think that will be returned ten-fold.
As someone who regularly gets invited to this sort of conversation, my advice is to never try to connect with someone via a meeting that is not about solving a shared problem.
Instead, connect with your colleagues through work, get involved with projects that expose and connect you with new people, join the virtual version of the softball team etc.
If you meet a few less people but nobody associates you with an awkward call that was transparently about your careerism, you come out ahead.
The problem is, as I think Op was alluding to, not all problems are shared, so how to build the supportive relationships that will help them.
I think for you, what you need to get out of a 1:1 might be different from other people, and that's ok - not everyone is the same.
You'll notice my point though where I suggested the Op use the phrase, "How can I help?" which is meant to create that shared interest. I just also suggest that not all conversations need to be transactional and in order to receive they should come at it with a "giver" mindset.
Yep!
Being 100% remote, in theory we could all be digital nomads and still operate.
In reality we mostly work from home and get together every 3 or so months for a regional meet up.
Most of the bonding happens during the company meet ups, random conversations while you are working together on the beach or whatever.
You figure out “oh hey such a person likes that hobby or is into this genre of music e.g.”
In the past simple plain web-based text chat worked fairly well for some places I worked at, especially for smaller team rooms.
Today, everyone is using Slack, and I feel it's really killing any social chat because it tries very hard to force you to use those stupid "threads". Someone posts something in the morning and then I reply three hours later with a joke and no one will ever see that except the person who posted it because it "disappeared" in a thread thing. I know you can select "also send to whole channel", but in practice almost no one does that.
Add to that the 6 bots constantly posting stuff and it becomes even worse. Do we really need to see the CI status of every branch every time someone pushes anything?
I think building relationships over remote work is already hard, but if your tools are built to discourage it then it becomes even harder. It's not that it can't be done with e.g. Slack, it's just (even) harder.
> The part I struggle with the most is that I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about the daily challenges that my team and I face.
This should be your manager. Are they in the same boat as you? (New to the org?) If not, start there.
I work at a globally distributed company, and post-pandemic I'm seeing relationship building being a challenge happening more. Pre-pandemic, the company would get together every 9 months and I do think those times really help to build relationships.
You need some "team building". Someone below mentioned pairing and I agree, but also consider spending $5 on amazon luna and play some jackbox games. The recent pack has a game called Job Job that was really fun in a work environment. You answer benign questions and then you are asked to answer an interview question using only other people's answers. My all remote team really enjoyed it.
Thank you for this @lbotos. Reflecting on why I don't turn to my manager for this has yielded some valuable insights... specifically I think we have some policies in place that _strongly_ disincentivize demonstrating vulnerability. Thus bringing managerial level problems to my manager comes with more risk than is comfortable. Perhaps what I'm seeing is the effect of this policy across the engineering organization.
On the lighter side, the luna/jackbox suggestion is fantastic. We'll definitely give that a try. Thank you.
> some policies in place that _strongly_ disincentivize demonstrating vulnerability
That would do it. Assume the engineers have noticed that trend as well and expect to be told "everything is fine" while the ship burns and they update their CV.
My team has virtual happy hours we play a game called “code names” it’s super fun. We also have a slack team channel and just share random non work related things.
I manage it by having tech friends that live locally to me that don’t also work at the same company as me. Plenty of meetups for finding this. Just gotta out yourself out there.
This is supposed to be your skill set as a people manager. Set up one on ones or group social events and spend some of the time not talking about work.
I am remote since 4month and I miss beeing so disconnected. Also from line manager.
I had a similar situation before but we’ve met as a team 1x a week and also now and then spent time purely on getting to know eachother. Secondly we tried to solve hard problems together.
Worst thing is beeing quiet and expecting all is good. Care for the team - even if that means somebody telling you he she is having a hard time.
I'm in a similar situation and I run a small group meetup program. I select 4 random people from across the company and have an hour long "get to know you" zoom meeting. That way you meet folks in a positive environment rather than waiting until there's a work problem that impacts them.
Mostly my group talks on teams, mix of audio and an ad hoc group channel. The ad hoc one is better for getting used to each other. Occasionally people meet at conferences.
Seems to work fine, probably more inclusive than talking through beer face to face.
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