I remember when growing up with my grandma in 1990 Germany that after funerals of people that died of "old age", you would always have a get-together afterward to celebrate the person that passed, either at someone's house or at a simple local restaurant. I hope people get together and celebrate when I die.
One of the best parties I’ve been to in my life was the reception after a funeral for my wife’s great-aunt. Generations of relatives and family friends, some of whom hadn’t seen each other in thirty years, took over their house from after the ceremony at noon until 10pm that night. It was a rager.
Will they be celebrating because you've died or celebrating the life you lived? (the phrasing above sounds like the former) I want to live my life in such a way that people aren't happy (and/or relieved) when I die. I know some people whose passing will cause relief among the living - probably we all know people like that.
Everyone understands this. It was a joke. It is funny to propose that the commenter hopes that people will get together and go "wow, thank god that asshole has finally kicked the bucket" and this proposition is made possible by the fortunate coincidence that "get together and celebrate when I die" can, divorced from context, be interpreted in either the intended way or the funny way.
Prepositions are a fundamental part of English, and having a celebration for a person [alive, or dead -- it doesn't matter] is using "for" as a preposition.
You can obtain the proper context from GP's whole comment. They were talking about celebrating someone's life after they passed so it's natural, contextually, to assume celebration of life.
I think the "Leichenschmaus" is underappreciated, both for the communal aspect and also simply for how good it feels to eat good food after the emotionally demanding funeral.
I told my wife, that if I die before her, to cheap out on the coffin and the tombstone and to spend the money on a fine meal instead.
This custom known as stypa (or konsolacja more often today) is still present in Poland - tho nowadays it's easier to host it at restaurants that provide such services for the grievers rather than run it by yourself. People in small towns or villages somewhere in the mid of the country may still opt for organizing these by themselves.
As for the food itself - it's nothing special, you pick your menu.
Both my grandparents died a year ago and with one Catholic and the other Lutheran the food looked similar but tasted oh so different. The Catholic food was decent. The Lutheran food, the turkey sandwiches, the buns/rolls, the gingersnap and whole-date-filled cookies were, forgive me: to die for. Everything seemed to be made from scratch and it made me feel love for the elder women, for how special they treated their job that day. I want my friends and family to remember me by the good food they had at my funeral.
In my family, the difference would have been that the good food was from my German relations, who were Lutheran. (as were my Norwegian relations, but they didn't cook as good for funerals).
My wife's family is also German, but they are Catholic, from another part of the state and their funeral food is pretty good too.
> it made me feel love for the elder women, for how special they treated their job that day. I want my friends and family to remember me by the good food they had at my funeral.
Would definitely encourage you to ask them about what they made and how. Pick up the skills and insist that your own friends and family are treated to the best food at any future funerals you attend. That's the best way to ensue someone will do the same for you, even if the elder women have themselves died by that point.
My Dad died in the south, and I had to write his obituary and publish it in the local paper. The paper wanted me to publish the address of where I was staying so that people would know where to bring food, but I left that bit out. I did not turn down the pastor's offer to ask the "church ladies" to bring food for the little gathering we had in the church basement after the graveside service -- that was some good food.
I lost one of my parents through cancer. There are times I wished they were shot in the alley because at least I'd have someone to be angry at.
Alas my faith determines that it was the parts we play as the world is a stage.
I cope by playing my part. I speak fondly. I forgive and learned to be content with the lack of answers. The if only had to stop. I can't stop every poor choice, bad action, or accident.
Hopefully that helps. The violence done to me in my past didn't lead to death. After about 15 years I was able to forgive my bullies and random people who harmed me for my skin color and faith.
That's valid and I totally respect that but I'm asking for any tips that don't involve religion / for someone who believes what we see is what there is
The article doesn't mention specifics (even the link to 'other cultures' is fairly thin gruel) but it made me think of a common in a number Eastern Orthodox traditions: boiled and typically sweetened wheat:
Though obviously related this seems slightly different than what the article is mostly about. They're talking about food that's made as part of a system of care & support for the bereaved. Where koliva much more ritualized: it's blessed as part of the funeral and eaten by everyone present.
It's also IIRC a pre-christian greek tradition so it's super interesting and cool how it came to be so widespread.
But again not unrelated traditions but having had exposure to both southern US and eastern orthodox cultures they feel very different in meaning.
Where are you from and how do you eat it? I was actually thinking more of russian and arabic orthodox christians in the US since that's been my main exposure to it.
Not OP. It's more than just ritual in Balkan cultures, it's part of the culture if one can say as much - because the religion is so intwined with normal Balkan culture.
This is fascinating. I was born and raised in Uruguay and I don't think food was ever a thing in funerals. You just hang out in a room and are generally sad, but food is nowhere to be seen. I've only seen food in funerals in the movies! I wonder whether this is by country, by religion (and variant of that religion), or what.
I live in the US but my family is in/from Spain. When my mom was visiting, we had to attend a funeral (for my wife's grandpa), and after the ceremony everyone went to a local restaurant and had a small feast. My mom was appalled, because she thought it was disrespectful. But I think it's a sweet thing to do, remembering the deceased in a pleasant setting. Especially if the death was of old age.
I hope when I go, my friends and family have a good time together.
Awhile back someone mentioned they had all the important people in their lives together for the wedding, and most likely the next time it'd happen was their funeral.
It made me think about community and priorities. Obviously not everyone needs to get together from all the distinct friend groups, but more gatherings of people who are important to you sounds like something I need to generally strive for.
The title makes it sound somewhat more specific than it is - it is also about food at funeral and mourning related events rather than just funerals - so it includes things like wakes, 'funeral receptions' and various other forms of remembrance.
Edit: although that does make me wonder if the idea of strictly-at-the-actual-funeral funeral food has been sufficiently explored. e.g. dancing pallbearers with coffin but the top of the coffin is also a sushi boat and/or salad bar.
Agree. I also think dancing on grave need to really brought to 21st century. Removing some negative connotation people had in past. It can really about local good, artisanal drinks and of course dance is in the name.
> You just hang out in a room and are generally sad
Without the party afterward? Most of the funerals I've been to here in the Eastern US involve feeling sad during the service and/or burial, and then a reception afterward where the mood lightens and you have a good time celebrating the person.
Same here, it's a time for re-connecting with family and friends. We reminisce about the deceased, and we're connected by those stories. Some of the foods are generational, baked by great-great-aunts, or even a particular store-bought bakery good (Market Basket Donuts). No one would ever eat these on a regular day, but somehow, the platter disappears during the afterparty.
Where I live, Oklahoma, after the church funeral service, everyone eventually ends up in the "fellowship hall", which is a large room with a kitchen and a lot of tables. If the deceased attended the church, a church committee would bring in food to feed the family and all who went to the service. Family relatives would also bring food. (This is where the most interesting dishes came from, usually family favorites.)
Usually, but not always, only the family would go to the graveside for a short service and prayer.
I love Oklahoma. Wholesome, hardworking people in a beautiful state. My favorite drive is through Sand Springs to Cleveland and Skiatook. You wind through Keystone Lake and the Arkansas River. So peaceful and pretty.
This is exactly what my sister's Oklahoma church did for us and the whole community when she passed away! It was a lovely gesture, especially to see how many people loved her. My mom makes famous chocolate chip cookies, and they even asked for the recipe so they could do their best to make the cookies knowing my mom wouldn't have the bandwidth to do it.
Where I live (New York) it was until recently illegal to have food in a funeral home. There are alot of weird rules around death and funerals, as I think we're all a little weird about how we approach these matters.
I love (and I mean love) egg salad sandwiches. But if they’re cut in triangles, I just cannot eat them. The aversion is especially strong if there’s also tuna triangles and cold cut triangles. And this is 18 years after the funeral that caused the association of these food formats.
But a triangular-shaped sandwich is an efficient sandwich shape to eat without making a mess: you're biting "off", not biting "into" (thus not getting egg salad all over your face). And what do you get when you've bitten off all three points? Another triangle!
It's a beautiful day, I think I'll go outside and get some fresh air now :)
Growing up in St Louis, it was traditional for neighbors to bring food to your house when there was a death in the family. I thought that tradition faded away until a few years ago when my wife had a relative pass and a neighbor brought us a dish.
It is still a tradition where I'm from, New England. It's just a natural reaction when a family is in trouble, you make them a casserole or something substantial that keeps for a few days. I did it a few times this year already.
It's a way to express love and sympathy in a very practical, nourishing manner. I hope it never goes away.
Have you ever had chicken 65 from one of the local Indian places? I've lived in a few different places and the Indian and Chinese restaurants sometimes have regional specific dishes. I've not had chicken 65 outside of Utah.
This is timely for me, and something that's been on my mind, as my grandmother passed away about a month ago. (Tomorrow would have been her 83rd birthday.) I find myself thinking a lot about funerary traditions and the ways they can bring healing and closure to surviving loved ones, and help us remember the good times we've had with the deceased before recent illness or strife. The preparation for the funeral (compiling stories, pictures, etc) was very therapeutic for me as it helped me remember who she was beyond the decline of her last few years.
Website won't load for me, but I went to a viewing where the deceased requested (prior to her death) that ice cream be served at the viewing. I'll never forget that one.
I remember when growing up with my grandma in 1990 Germany that after funerals of people that died of "old age", you would always have a get-together afterward to celebrate the person that passed, either at someone's house or at a simple local restaurant. I hope people get together and celebrate when I die.
I have fond memories of those social events.
One of the best parties I’ve been to in my life was the reception after a funeral for my wife’s great-aunt. Generations of relatives and family friends, some of whom hadn’t seen each other in thirty years, took over their house from after the ceremony at noon until 10pm that night. It was a rager.
> I hope people get together and celebrate when I die.
phrasing might need a little work.
Does it? I kind of feel that way too, no rephrasing needed.
Will they be celebrating because you've died or celebrating the life you lived? (the phrasing above sounds like the former) I want to live my life in such a way that people aren't happy (and/or relieved) when I die. I know some people whose passing will cause relief among the living - probably we all know people like that.
Context is important.
> to celebrate the person that passed
It is clearly written that such celebrations are for the person who has passed.
It isn't even implicit: It's literally spelled out, in very plain English, what the purpose of these celebration are.
> I hope people get together and celebrate when I die.
Here, it is clearly written that the author hopes that people will perform such a celebration for him when he does eventually die.
Not because he is dead, but because he has lived. That's what celebrating a person means.
Everyone understands this. It was a joke. It is funny to propose that the commenter hopes that people will get together and go "wow, thank god that asshole has finally kicked the bucket" and this proposition is made possible by the fortunate coincidence that "get together and celebrate when I die" can, divorced from context, be interpreted in either the intended way or the funny way.
If we're talking semantics, the celebration is not so much for the deceased, but for the living "left behind."
Prepositions are a fundamental part of English, and having a celebration for a person [alive, or dead -- it doesn't matter] is using "for" as a preposition.
You can obtain the proper context from GP's whole comment. They were talking about celebrating someone's life after they passed so it's natural, contextually, to assume celebration of life.
who's phrasing and why do they need a job?
I think the "Leichenschmaus" is underappreciated, both for the communal aspect and also simply for how good it feels to eat good food after the emotionally demanding funeral.
I told my wife, that if I die before her, to cheap out on the coffin and the tombstone and to spend the money on a fine meal instead.
This custom known as stypa (or konsolacja more often today) is still present in Poland - tho nowadays it's easier to host it at restaurants that provide such services for the grievers rather than run it by yourself. People in small towns or villages somewhere in the mid of the country may still opt for organizing these by themselves.
As for the food itself - it's nothing special, you pick your menu.
Both my grandparents died a year ago and with one Catholic and the other Lutheran the food looked similar but tasted oh so different. The Catholic food was decent. The Lutheran food, the turkey sandwiches, the buns/rolls, the gingersnap and whole-date-filled cookies were, forgive me: to die for. Everything seemed to be made from scratch and it made me feel love for the elder women, for how special they treated their job that day. I want my friends and family to remember me by the good food they had at my funeral.
In my family, the difference would have been that the good food was from my German relations, who were Lutheran. (as were my Norwegian relations, but they didn't cook as good for funerals).
My wife's family is also German, but they are Catholic, from another part of the state and their funeral food is pretty good too.
> it made me feel love for the elder women, for how special they treated their job that day. I want my friends and family to remember me by the good food they had at my funeral.
Would definitely encourage you to ask them about what they made and how. Pick up the skills and insist that your own friends and family are treated to the best food at any future funerals you attend. That's the best way to ensue someone will do the same for you, even if the elder women have themselves died by that point.
My Dad died in the south, and I had to write his obituary and publish it in the local paper. The paper wanted me to publish the address of where I was staying so that people would know where to bring food, but I left that bit out. I did not turn down the pastor's offer to ask the "church ladies" to bring food for the little gathering we had in the church basement after the graveside service -- that was some good food.
If you don't mind me asking how do you cope with a loss like that? Especially if there was violence involved?
Was violence involved?
sadly yes and circumstances surrounding has made attending funeral a bit challenging which has made processing a bit hard
Great question.
I lost one of my parents through cancer. There are times I wished they were shot in the alley because at least I'd have someone to be angry at.
Alas my faith determines that it was the parts we play as the world is a stage.
I cope by playing my part. I speak fondly. I forgive and learned to be content with the lack of answers. The if only had to stop. I can't stop every poor choice, bad action, or accident.
Hopefully that helps. The violence done to me in my past didn't lead to death. After about 15 years I was able to forgive my bullies and random people who harmed me for my skin color and faith.
that's dark apologies if asking brings up bad memories. do you have any recommendation for someone who doesn't believe in any religions?
No. I refuse to live a life without hope. I would rather believe a lie than live thinking this life is all we have.
That's valid and I totally respect that but I'm asking for any tips that don't involve religion / for someone who believes what we see is what there is
Escape through drugs and experiences until death. Eat, drink, for tomorrow we die.
I wish I could have that kind of faith, but I always get stuck on "how do I pick which lie"?
Think of faith as a choice. Then weigh your satisfaction after exercising it.
Perhaps I could go off your username, and put my faith in pizza. I'm generally pretty satisfied after pizza.
The article doesn't mention specifics (even the link to 'other cultures' is fairly thin gruel) but it made me think of a common in a number Eastern Orthodox traditions: boiled and typically sweetened wheat:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koliva
Though obviously related this seems slightly different than what the article is mostly about. They're talking about food that's made as part of a system of care & support for the bereaved. Where koliva much more ritualized: it's blessed as part of the funeral and eaten by everyone present.
It's also IIRC a pre-christian greek tradition so it's super interesting and cool how it came to be so widespread.
But again not unrelated traditions but having had exposure to both southern US and eastern orthodox cultures they feel very different in meaning.
Where koliva much more ritualized
Not where I'm from and the range of the tradition extends beyond both Greece and the Balkans.
Where are you from and how do you eat it? I was actually thinking more of russian and arabic orthodox christians in the US since that's been my main exposure to it.
Not OP. It's more than just ritual in Balkan cultures, it's part of the culture if one can say as much - because the religion is so intwined with normal Balkan culture.
Do Muslims do it too?
Oh damn, koliva are amazing. I like varvara even more (it's a kind of sweet soup with raisins and wheat).
This is fascinating. I was born and raised in Uruguay and I don't think food was ever a thing in funerals. You just hang out in a room and are generally sad, but food is nowhere to be seen. I've only seen food in funerals in the movies! I wonder whether this is by country, by religion (and variant of that religion), or what.
I live in the US but my family is in/from Spain. When my mom was visiting, we had to attend a funeral (for my wife's grandpa), and after the ceremony everyone went to a local restaurant and had a small feast. My mom was appalled, because she thought it was disrespectful. But I think it's a sweet thing to do, remembering the deceased in a pleasant setting. Especially if the death was of old age.
I hope when I go, my friends and family have a good time together.
Awhile back someone mentioned they had all the important people in their lives together for the wedding, and most likely the next time it'd happen was their funeral.
It made me think about community and priorities. Obviously not everyone needs to get together from all the distinct friend groups, but more gatherings of people who are important to you sounds like something I need to generally strive for.
The title makes it sound somewhat more specific than it is - it is also about food at funeral and mourning related events rather than just funerals - so it includes things like wakes, 'funeral receptions' and various other forms of remembrance.
Edit: although that does make me wonder if the idea of strictly-at-the-actual-funeral funeral food has been sufficiently explored. e.g. dancing pallbearers with coffin but the top of the coffin is also a sushi boat and/or salad bar.
Agree. I also think dancing on grave need to really brought to 21st century. Removing some negative connotation people had in past. It can really about local good, artisanal drinks and of course dance is in the name.
> You just hang out in a room and are generally sad
Without the party afterward? Most of the funerals I've been to here in the Eastern US involve feeling sad during the service and/or burial, and then a reception afterward where the mood lightens and you have a good time celebrating the person.
Same here, it's a time for re-connecting with family and friends. We reminisce about the deceased, and we're connected by those stories. Some of the foods are generational, baked by great-great-aunts, or even a particular store-bought bakery good (Market Basket Donuts). No one would ever eat these on a regular day, but somehow, the platter disappears during the afterparty.
Where I live, Oklahoma, after the church funeral service, everyone eventually ends up in the "fellowship hall", which is a large room with a kitchen and a lot of tables. If the deceased attended the church, a church committee would bring in food to feed the family and all who went to the service. Family relatives would also bring food. (This is where the most interesting dishes came from, usually family favorites.)
Usually, but not always, only the family would go to the graveside for a short service and prayer.
I love Oklahoma. Wholesome, hardworking people in a beautiful state. My favorite drive is through Sand Springs to Cleveland and Skiatook. You wind through Keystone Lake and the Arkansas River. So peaceful and pretty.
This is exactly what my sister's Oklahoma church did for us and the whole community when she passed away! It was a lovely gesture, especially to see how many people loved her. My mom makes famous chocolate chip cookies, and they even asked for the recipe so they could do their best to make the cookies knowing my mom wouldn't have the bandwidth to do it.
German even has a (very old-fashioned) word for it: Leichenschmaus = the "banquet" you hold in honor of the deceased.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koliva
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memorial_service_in_the_Easter...
Where I live (New York) it was until recently illegal to have food in a funeral home. There are alot of weird rules around death and funerals, as I think we're all a little weird about how we approach these matters.
I love (and I mean love) egg salad sandwiches. But if they’re cut in triangles, I just cannot eat them. The aversion is especially strong if there’s also tuna triangles and cold cut triangles. And this is 18 years after the funeral that caused the association of these food formats.
Brains are weird.
But a triangular-shaped sandwich is an efficient sandwich shape to eat without making a mess: you're biting "off", not biting "into" (thus not getting egg salad all over your face). And what do you get when you've bitten off all three points? Another triangle!
It's a beautiful day, I think I'll go outside and get some fresh air now :)
That's a wonderful observation, never thought about it that way. Thank you.
Growing up in St Louis, it was traditional for neighbors to bring food to your house when there was a death in the family. I thought that tradition faded away until a few years ago when my wife had a relative pass and a neighbor brought us a dish.
It is still a tradition where I'm from, New England. It's just a natural reaction when a family is in trouble, you make them a casserole or something substantial that keeps for a few days. I did it a few times this year already.
It's a way to express love and sympathy in a very practical, nourishing manner. I hope it never goes away.
The funeral potatoes specialty reminds me of Jeanne Robertson's story about 7-up cake: https://youtu.be/-YFRUSTiFUs?si=O3vOnV5Ho8saWMui
Funeral potatoes are a special thing in Utah, a very Mormon dish. Quite good, iirc.
Yes, they are very much a specialty of the regional culture. And they’re delicious.
Have you ever had chicken 65 from one of the local Indian places? I've lived in a few different places and the Indian and Chinese restaurants sometimes have regional specific dishes. I've not had chicken 65 outside of Utah.
It definitely exists outside of Utah.
its also a very southern dish. we just call it Hash brown Casserole
This is timely for me, and something that's been on my mind, as my grandmother passed away about a month ago. (Tomorrow would have been her 83rd birthday.) I find myself thinking a lot about funerary traditions and the ways they can bring healing and closure to surviving loved ones, and help us remember the good times we've had with the deceased before recent illness or strife. The preparation for the funeral (compiling stories, pictures, etc) was very therapeutic for me as it helped me remember who she was beyond the decline of her last few years.
Website won't load for me, but I went to a viewing where the deceased requested (prior to her death) that ice cream be served at the viewing. I'll never forget that one.
I was at my Grandfathers funeral just yesterday. His final food request just before he died on the weekend was “A glass of Chardonnay and a merengue”.
the norm in méxico too
Weddings and funerals. Time to break out the family recipes...