"Each tube could carry between 400 and 600 letters and traveled at 30-35 miles per hour. In its full glory, the pneumatic tubes covered a 27-mile route, connecting 23 post offices. This network stretched up Manhattan’s east and west sides, from Bowling Green and Wall Street, all the way north to Manhattanville and East Harlem. Anecdotal stories indicate that the system may have extended into the Bronx, with sandwich subs reportedly being delivered via pneumatic tubes from a renown subway shop in the Bronx to downtown postal stations."
So some friends and I have a running joke/thing. Anytime someone goes to SF they are obligated to FedEx a standard tube filled with El Farolito carnitas super burritos back. A tube fits 5 IIRC and it works great. (This happens so infrequently I do not worry about it impacting my carbon footprint enough to the point I am judged in the afterlife.) It's not the same thing as a pneumatic tube, but it's the closest we could manage without talking to VCs. And SF-Manhattan is close enough to Alameda-Weehawken for me. Pro tip: no sour cream, add on remote end if desired and at all costs avoid getting your tube stuck in the mail room over a weekend.
An old friend of mine who visits SF periodically has certified that a mission burrito will make it through TSA, and always buys one at the last moment before boarding a plane, to enjoy during his readjustment to east coast life.
If you ship them right before the nightly cut-off for delivery the next morning they've always been fine. I assume the cargo hold is cold, so that would help as well.
It's certainly playing with fire, but I've never heard of anyone getting sick after eating a 24 hour old burrito stored at room temperature. This is assuming that it's a not a super burrito (no cheese, no sour cream, no avocado)
What I never understood: once you freeze the burritos, isn't the freshness advantage essentially moot? You might as well just ship them in trucks to the frozen-foods aisles of NYC grocery stores.
There are so many things wrong with this, I don't know where to begin.
> "Yet if you could open the airlocks and stare down its length with a telescope, you would see airplanes on final approach to Newark Airport, three thousand miles away!"
Newark Airport is in a solid southwest heading from Weehawken. Final approach is either from the north, south, or a western heading over Jersey City to Runway 29, still south and slightly west of Weehawken. A tunnel looking east would see skyscrapers in Manhattan. Possibly air traffic from Laguardia, but it's unlikely, especially with pump infrastructure in the way.
> To reduce drag on the burritos to a minimum, the tunnel must be kept in near-vacuum with powerful pumps.
Yet a few paragraphs later, they say "Mail would frequently arrive singed or deformed from the intense heat and pressure." What is it? Vacuum or pressure?
> Furthermore, advances in electrical engineering meant that containers would no longer have to be propelled by compressed gas. The burritos already came conveniently wrapped in aluminum foil - it would be trivial to accelerate them with powerful magnets.
The power required by these magnets to induce the Lenz effect in a burrito wrapper, let alone propel it, is too high for large-scale applications.
> At the tunnel exit, a final puff of air slows the burritos to a stop and they are placed in insulated bags. These are whisked to a fleet of waiting trucks, which pass through the Holland Tunnel (this time at a more stately thirty-five miles per hour) and then onward to restaurants and cafeterias throughout the five boroughs.
Why not the Lincoln Tunnel? It's actually in Weehawken! The traffic through Hoboken and Jersey City to the Holland is insane. Why didn't they just build the tunnel to Manhattan? It's a mile away!
This remains my favorite essay by Maciej, and a reason why I'm never completely sure how truthful he is in his other stories.
I've rarely laughed as hard as when this was read to me at my birthday one summer night after a few drinks. The sentence about the burritos "[tracing] graceful arcs into the East River, glowing like faint red sparks in the night" will stay in my heart for a long time.
A few years after writing this I was fortunate enough to visit a restaurant in Christchurch that serves burgers by pneumatic tube:
http://www.c1espresso.co.nz/#!pneumatic/caqp
We have the technology!
I really tried to visit http://burrito.nyc.us.gov. It was all a lie.
I'm so sorry. If it makes you feel any better, it got me too, earlier today.
Opportunity knocks (rather, gets served by pneumatic tube): the domain http://burritos.nyc appears to be for sale.
From "Then & Now: NYC’s Pneumatic Tube Mail Network", http://untappedcities.com/2013/03/15/nycs-pneumatic-tube-mai...
"Each tube could carry between 400 and 600 letters and traveled at 30-35 miles per hour. In its full glory, the pneumatic tubes covered a 27-mile route, connecting 23 post offices. This network stretched up Manhattan’s east and west sides, from Bowling Green and Wall Street, all the way north to Manhattanville and East Harlem. Anecdotal stories indicate that the system may have extended into the Bronx, with sandwich subs reportedly being delivered via pneumatic tubes from a renown subway shop in the Bronx to downtown postal stations."
So some friends and I have a running joke/thing. Anytime someone goes to SF they are obligated to FedEx a standard tube filled with El Farolito carnitas super burritos back. A tube fits 5 IIRC and it works great. (This happens so infrequently I do not worry about it impacting my carbon footprint enough to the point I am judged in the afterlife.) It's not the same thing as a pneumatic tube, but it's the closest we could manage without talking to VCs. And SF-Manhattan is close enough to Alameda-Weehawken for me. Pro tip: no sour cream, add on remote end if desired and at all costs avoid getting your tube stuck in the mail room over a weekend.
An old friend of mine who visits SF periodically has certified that a mission burrito will make it through TSA, and always buys one at the last moment before boarding a plane, to enjoy during his readjustment to east coast life.
How long does the trip take? Are they good to eat when they arrive?
If you ship them right before the nightly cut-off for delivery the next morning they've always been fine. I assume the cargo hold is cold, so that would help as well.
It's certainly playing with fire, but I've never heard of anyone getting sick after eating a 24 hour old burrito stored at room temperature. This is assuming that it's a not a super burrito (no cheese, no sour cream, no avocado)
What I never understood: once you freeze the burritos, isn't the freshness advantage essentially moot? You might as well just ship them in trucks to the frozen-foods aisles of NYC grocery stores.
You'd think so, but if you try the tunnel burritos you can really taste the difference.
There are so many things wrong with this, I don't know where to begin.
> "Yet if you could open the airlocks and stare down its length with a telescope, you would see airplanes on final approach to Newark Airport, three thousand miles away!"
Newark Airport is in a solid southwest heading from Weehawken. Final approach is either from the north, south, or a western heading over Jersey City to Runway 29, still south and slightly west of Weehawken. A tunnel looking east would see skyscrapers in Manhattan. Possibly air traffic from Laguardia, but it's unlikely, especially with pump infrastructure in the way.
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> To reduce drag on the burritos to a minimum, the tunnel must be kept in near-vacuum with powerful pumps.
Yet a few paragraphs later, they say "Mail would frequently arrive singed or deformed from the intense heat and pressure." What is it? Vacuum or pressure?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Furthermore, advances in electrical engineering meant that containers would no longer have to be propelled by compressed gas. The burritos already came conveniently wrapped in aluminum foil - it would be trivial to accelerate them with powerful magnets.
The power required by these magnets to induce the Lenz effect in a burrito wrapper, let alone propel it, is too high for large-scale applications.
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> Under our feet are five miles of silt from the Rockies before you even get to the first rock.
Not even close to true. Tecumseh Shale, for example, can be found about 100 feet deep in places.
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> At the tunnel exit, a final puff of air slows the burritos to a stop and they are placed in insulated bags. These are whisked to a fleet of waiting trucks, which pass through the Holland Tunnel (this time at a more stately thirty-five miles per hour) and then onward to restaurants and cafeterias throughout the five boroughs.
Why not the Lincoln Tunnel? It's actually in Weehawken! The traffic through Hoboken and Jersey City to the Holland is insane. Why didn't they just build the tunnel to Manhattan? It's a mile away!
The whole thing is meant to poke fun at a certain breathless pop-science writing style.
There's lots of other errors. I'm surprised you didn't hit me with the brachistochrone curve.
I am picturing you reading bedtime stories to your children, and interrupting to say "well ACTUALLY..."
I think they already know the whole deal is ludicrous, they're joking too, and they are gently trolling you.
Or so I hope, for the sake of my faith in humanity.
I too want to believe. But I've been on this site a while.
Move along now. No loitering!
i think there's a </s> tag missing somewhere.
Can the hyperloop possibly compete with this?
This remains my favorite essay by Maciej, and a reason why I'm never completely sure how truthful he is in his other stories.
I've rarely laughed as hard as when this was read to me at my birthday one summer night after a few drinks. The sentence about the burritos "[tracing] graceful arcs into the East River, glowing like faint red sparks in the night" will stay in my heart for a long time.
I'm so happy you like this. I really do try to stick to the truth in things that aren't obvious put-ons!
As an sf transplant in nyc... I'm dying for a good salsa bar. Damn. OH The humanity
You made the choice, now you suffer the consequences. Burritos till i die.
Rocking Horse Café in Chelsea has a surprisingly good salsa. Smoky and not too hot.
Brooklyn Burro has really excellent salsa. IIRC, the main guy used to work at El Farrolito in SF
Good one! Regarding gravity train and when it was initially "invented":
For a second there...
Boy, I dunno.