Ask HN: My father passed away. How do deal with the grief?

It's been three years for my father, and a month for my mother.

First: There is no one "right" way to grieve. Don't feel like there's something wrong with crying for a month.

It does get better with time. You reach a point where you're only crying some of the time. (I describe it as "I'm not bleeding, but it still hurts if anything bumps it".)

For me personally, I am a Christian. "We mourn, but not as those who have no hope." It changes the grief. It's still grief, but doesn't have as bitter an edge on it. Depending on where you're coming from, though, that option may not be open to you.

Sometimes I see someone who bears a strong resemblance to my father. When I do, I usually go up to them, explain that my father died, they look like him, and ask if I can have a hug. It's not him, and I always wind up crying, but it helps me.

Crying as I type this...

Praying for God's comfort for you.

I feel your loss. My mother passed away a year ago. As a first son, I was close to her. As Denzel Washington said, "A Mother is a Son’s first true love". As a 50 year old, I thought I would be able to handle it well. But I didn't.

Here are somethings I learned:

- to mourn well, mourn deeply and privately: I deleted all social media apps. I cried. I spent time alone thinking of all the times that I spent with her. I eulogized, I wrote about her. I did everything to mourn deeply. That could be done only in private. I don't think you can mourn in public.

- follow tradition to mourn: I have been an anti-tradition person all along. But I found out tradition is useful to mourn. Every culture has traditions for mourning - in our case, going to grave, going to church, 3rd day mass etc.

- find your ways to express your grief. Some write, some sing, some sit amidst nature....

- it will never be over: a year has gone and there are days I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of everything she did for me and the moments we spent together.

I wish you well.

If it helps: I wrote about my learning here: https://www.jjude.com/lessons-from-mourning/

Sorry for the loss and deep condolences brother. I wish I had the answer, but these will definitely help.

As far as I know, try to take a shower in the morning, as soon as you wake up. Try walking with barefoot, and cry at least 5/10 minutes a day with tears. And try to be busy, and communicate with loved ones. Cry as long as you can, and tear those emotions until there are enough remaining for future, as memories.

Also, after a month and so, try to stop crying and keep the emotions within you. It's said crying helps us to feel better but we loose those emotions. And the emotions related to your father are very important for your behavior and your time with your child.

I wish I knew the answer to this too.

for me, time was what did it, but that advice never helps. All the psychological things to do may be hit or miss because everyone experiences it differently.

I think you should take care of yourself physically.

Eat well, don't overeat. Don't eat junk or sugar.

Exercise helps. It helped me to make myself tired. Go to bed exhausted. I think exercise and sleeping hard will blunt things.

good luck, and sorry for your loss.

My father passed away in October and it’s still difficult. I’ve dealt with grief before - two very close family members passed. The hard truth is you will never fully recover. 7 years later, a memory will bring you to tears.

The only thing that relieves it somewhat is time, in my experience. Something else that I kind of think helped was trying to guess what my dad would want for me (living sensibly, taking care of myself etc.), and try my best to follow it (not perfectly or even very well, but I try). I hope you will recover from your grief as rapidly as possible. I don’t think my father would like the idea of me being crushed by grief, and I don’t suppose yours would either!

Something popular in my area, especially in the somatics community, are grief ceremonies ala https://www.earthdance.net/event/grieving-ourselves-whole-ex... although there are several variations. If that feels too new age-y or its not offered near where you live, it may be worth looking for grief groups/bereavement support, either through your preferred religious institution or through the local medical community (they're often supported by your local hospital)

Slowly over time. Lots of time. Think: 1-2 years for initial grief to pass. And from there, echos of grief.

What you're going through is normal and okay. This is how it's supposed to be.

Very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad almost 13 years ago and my mom 4 years ago, much earlier than I though I’d lose either of them.

The initial intensity of the grief you’re feeling will go away with time, and you’ll go back to feeling normal. But I do wanna share with you that some amount of grief will always be there with you from now on. My experience has been that even after all these years, I’ve thought about and missed my parents pretty much every single day since they passed. You should know that that’s coming, and it’ll be particularly tough around major life events like getting married and having kids.

Know that what you’re going through is normal and human. Try to get as much rest as you can, and reach out to people close to you to either talk through things or get distracted for a moment.

My condolences. Your grief responses sound normal and healthy to my ear for such a deep loss.

Mental health professionals with expertise regarding grief are a thing…my beloved is one. Helping people with their extraordinary grieving experiences is an ordinary part of their work day.

So maybe professional counseling is something to consider at some point. Maybe it is not. And again my condolences.

Sorry for your loss. Death may be the most absolute part of life - don’t cry because it’s over smile because it happened. It’s okay to never “get over” something but wish you strength to overcome the immediate difficulties.

I am terribly sorry for your loss. This helped me when a parent died unexpectedly, I hope it helps you too. I wish you peace.

https://old.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/d9685e/grief_...

https://old.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend...

I’m truly sorry for the passing of your father. Stay strong. After letting your emotions out, please continue to live your life to the fullest and cherish every second. It’s okay to feel sad for a while, but don’t let the sadness linger too long. One day, you will reunite with your father in heaven. Stay strong.

Try to remember the pain you feel is a reflection of how much you love and miss the people and animals who were once in your life.

Don't try to deal with it in the sense of trying to minimising the pain, but learn to appreciate that pain.

The crying is painful, but it's the right response. You're crying because you had someone wonderful in your life who you love and miss. Of course you should be grieving, if you weren't they wouldn't have mattered.

These days I tend to think my experience in this world is a little too weird and little too statistically improbable. I don't know what that means, but I tend to think this isn't base reality and that there's a lot we don't understand about why we're here, or why anything is for that matter.

So while I'm not religious, I keep an open mind about what's possible and the reality of my experiences. Is world state necessarily irrecoverable, or is something keeping daily backup? Is my existence as linear as my experience? And is my experience even necessarily linear? I don't know and no one really knows these things. I like to think there's at least some chance I'll get to see people and animals I love again... The unknowns help me a little.